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Updated 6/27/2016. I decided to share this older post hot off the heels of a friend’s baby shower. During the shower I was asked this question by 4 other women! *sigh*
Once a couple has been together for a reasonable amount of time, relatives and friends begin to tease them about putting a” ring on it”. As soon as the couple announces their engagement, everyone is questioning when the big day will take place. Once the newlyweds begin to unpack and settle into their new home, “when are you going to have a baby” seem to be on everyone’s lips. And once that baby turns 1, everyone is telling the proud parents they should make more babies.
In all these situations, people only see what’s on the surface. Maybe that couple who have been dating for years fight constantly because one of the parties wants to get married and the other is not quite ready. Maybe the engaged couple decided they want to wait to plan their wedding in order to save money to throw the wedding of their dreams and that takes time. Perhaps the newlyweds just want to enjoy married life and travel for a bit. For me, the last scenario, the question of expanding your party of 3, is the hardest question to hear.
I have a beautiful, stubborn, sweet little girl. I am blessed. My pregnancy story isn’t very different from many out there. I actually got pregnant fairly quickly after deciding to embark on the motherhood journey, waited the appropriate amount of time to announce to our family and friends, my husband even posted the sonogram on Facebook. Then, on March 1, 2011, my whole happy mommy-to-be world crumbled. Up until this day, every appointment I had ended with “everything looks perfect” or “she’s growing beautifully”. But on this day, no heartbeat could be heard, so gracefully moving image of my baby could be seen. She was gone. I had miscarried. It was a pain I had never experienced.
Then 5 months later, I got pregnant again. I went through the entire pregnancy with no problems on the surface. But inside, everyday, I was panicked. I walked into the doctor’s office with dread in my heart and a knot in my stomach. I stopped doing things I loved, like instructing fitness, because I was scared. Besides close friends and immediate family, we didn’t make an official announcement until I was 32 weeks pregnant. When my daughter arrived, I felt, for the first time since I had become pregnant, that I could breathe again. Of course this was short lived as the panic was now replaced with new parent panic.
Shortly after her first birthday, the comments and questions started. With each question, I shrugged it off or joked about it. But inside, I began to panic all over again. Even though I had my daughter, the pain of the loss of my first daughter never diminished. There are times when I watch my little girl running around or playing with another little girl and I have a vision, even just a fleeting thought, of the 2 little girls that could’ve been. I still carry the loss with me, but have just learned to stop questioning what happened. For a long time I would wonder what I could’ve done differently or feel guilty by the miscarriage. But after time, I just learned to accept that these things happen without reason, they happen just because. It is this fact, however, that makes it all too scary to even think about going through it again. I know that many women experience miscarriages, some even multiple. We all handle it in our own way. The loss of my daughter broke me. I could not go into the room in my house that was filled with nursery furniture and baby clothes and pregnancy books. I had felt as if a piece of me would never return, a piece of myself had gone when she had. This paired with the fact that I am getting older and the pressure from my husband, whose experience with the miscarriage is completely different from mine, makes for a very lonely place.
I know the questions will continue. I guess that’s human nature to ask these things. I will continue to respond light in nature not knowing what the future might hold. But what I do know is that before I ask that couple dating for a long time when they’re going to get engaged or when the newlyweds are going to have a baby, I will stop and remind myself that I don’t truly know their situation. Everything happens for a reason and on its own time. If at some point I am blessed again with another child, I would be thrilled. If my little girl is my one and only, I will be just as happy. Whether a mom of one or a mom of 4 or a mom of 2 dogs, a mom is a mom. And that is a true blessing.
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Wow. I just happened upon this after reading about your Disney Cruise – Halloween on the High Seas. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two babies, one before my first, and one before my third. I had a much harder time with the one before my third even though I wasn’t as far along. I think it was because I KNEW what a baby meant, DH and I were so ready and excited for this newest blessing to add to our family. I went into a pretty bad place, and only by the grace of God was I able to pull out of it and be the mommy I was called to be. And my rainbow 3rd baby is such a special blessing – but I was like you, fearful my whole pregnancy. First, fear of a miscarriage, then at 20 weeks, we found some genetic disorder markers and they would not do more invasive testing to find out more. For 19 weeks we didn’t know if she’d live more than an hour after birth. We are so thankful for our spunky, completely healthy #3.
And the questions never stop. Once you get pregnant with #3, they start asking if you are trying to be the next Duggar family. And just forget about #4 (which we went ahead and did
) then perfect strangers try to tease you about your sex life. Which is crazy when you think about it. And now, even though we want more babies and can’t have anymore, people still ask “you’re done, right?” and my heart breaks a little because my heart isn’t done, but my body is. And I can’t tell them that but I want to.
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s very inspirational and gives hope to moms out there that feel so alone during such a traumatic experience. It just shows the power of faith and how strong we really are! I appreciate your openness. Thank you so much for stopping by.
What a heartfelt post – I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree, some people can be so insensitive. I would never ask anyone if they are trying or planning for the next one because, as you said, you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. #twinklytuesday
Thank you so much for reading!
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you have been on a difficult journey. I hope that if you do decide to extend your family further, it is a happier and more positive journey. #TwinklyTuesday
Thank you so much! It has been difficult and I know there are so many women out there who have had an even more difficult journey! But I am blessed with my daughter, so can’t ask for more than that!
It sounds like you have a great attitude about this – so many people do not mean to harm with such questions. But you’re right, we don’t often know the situation the other person is going through.
Marissa
#TwinklyTuesday
Thank you! It was not always easy to stay positive! I agree that people often ask questions with no malicious intent and that’s why I always answer very lightly.
Thank you so much for reading!
This post made me tear up. I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing such a personal story with us. Sometimes it makes me mad when people ask “so when are you guys going to have another baby”? It seems like such a harmless question, however it brings up so many emotions. Again, thank you for sharing this story.
Thank you for reading! I find sharing my story helps me cope with it as I realize I’m not alone! It amazes me how many women can relate to situations such as this!
What a beautiful post! I loved what you said and totally totally appreciated what you were saying. I used to ask people when is your #2 coming as well until a good friend opened up about her experiences and I felt awful and I have never asked another woman that question since. You’re right, we don’t know what the family’s or couple’s situation is. If they have something to share, they will. If you have to ask, then either they’re not ready or simply there is nothing to share. Loved reading this post. #abitofeverything
Ugh! I have a baby shower tomorrow and my daughter is a little over 2 and I know I will get these questions! I am not really ready for another baby yet though. I am starting to get the feelings of being ready, but I know I want to be completely ready before adding another child because I don’t want to resent the pregnancy or the baby. I suffered with postpartum depression, or at least I think I did, but didn’t ask for help and I think if I have another baby before I am completely ready that will make it worse. Thanks for sharing because I have felt like this for a while now!
It really is such a tough decision to make. My daughter is now 4 and I struggle with whether I’m ready. But I know I will just know and it won’t have anything to do with the pressure from others in my life who give their opinions. Good luck at the shower and hang in there! You’re not alone!
Thanks so much for reading and sharing!
I had two miscarriages before my first daughter was born. They were early but devastating. We do not know what gender they were or if something was wrong with them because I was so early. I found comfort in books about miscarriage and looking to God and my husband. It was a very hard road. I thought that I may never have my own child especially after the second miscarriage. The first one I thought maybe it was just a freak occurrence but then the devastation of the second miscarriage happened. I learned not to tell people until later in pregnancy after my first. Miscarriage is still always in the back of my mind. Even after being 29 weeks pregnant with my second. It is amazing how many women have been through the same thing and are afraid to talk about it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. When something that devastating happens, its so hard to not have that always in the back of your mind! Thank you so much for sharing your story. And congratulations on your pregnancy. Sending positive vibes! Thanks for reading!
I am truly sorry for your loss. I understand where you are coming from as well. I was pregnant within the first year i was married. I also miscarried, it was the worst feeling I have ever felt. I had yet to announce to my whole family (even though I did tell my parents), we had kept it a secret to do a huge reveal with it being our first child… Before I was able to announce, I miscarried. Just like that. About 10 months later i became pregnant with my son. My whole pregnancy i took extra good care of myself. He is now two and the best gift I have ever received. But like you, at times I think about what would have been. My pregnancy was tough, so I am hesitating weather to try for another. I’m content with my son, but at times when he’s playing, I can’t help but feel guilty he doesn’t have a sibling…